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Conscious Parenting Tips To Understand Your Child

By Bob Lancer
Tuesday, February 28th, 2012

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avoid developing a behavior problem

Spend time every day simply calmly, consciously observing your child

A child’s problematic behavior often stems from a parent misreading the child.

 

Parenting as effectively as possible produces the best child behavior results.  It requires clear and accurate recognition of our children’s present need for appropriate behavior.

 

To know what our children need from us to avoid developing a behavior problem, or to improve their behavior, we need to be very aware in the present moment.

 

Getting too caught up in our daily tasks, we may pay superficial attention to the child, causing us to overlook the child’s subtle signs of need, like a sadly drooping face or an aggressive clenching of a fist.

 

Destructive behavior that seems to come “out of the blue” could often have been prevented if the parent had paid closer attention beforehand to recognize what the child required BEFORE she began throwing a tantrum, BEFORE he began kicking the pet, BEFORE he began biting his sibling.

 

Perhaps the child’s deepest, most fundamental need is for us to demonstrate CONSCIOUS parenting.

 

Alert, conscious observation of the child in the present reveals the true self of the child.

 

And that “self” becomes the best form of guidance for parents, showing us just what this particular child needs at this particular time for great child behavior and positive child development.

 

When we fall into habitual, “mechanical” unconscious parenting, even when we are with our children we are not really there, and they sense it.

 

To gain our deeper involvement they may resort to inappropriate, or even outrageous behavior, even when they “know better”.

 

Behavior problems manifest as our parental responses mismatch the needs that our children express.

 

Conscious Parenting Tips:

 

  1. Spend time every day simply calmly, consciously observing your child.

 

  1. As you apply this parenting tip, look for your child’s subtle physical signs that express her mood, attitude, and feelings in general.

 

As you practice more CONSCIOUS parenting, you will:

  • Experience deeper and more accurate understanding of your child.
  • Be better at predicting when your child is headed toward behaving improperly.
  • More effectively meet your child’s need for great child behavior.

 

Feel welcome share in this blog your experience of applying these Conscious Parenting Tips, and any questions that you have about your child’s behavior.

 


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Protect Your Child’s Self-Confidence by Heeding This Parenting Advice

By Bob Lancer
Monday, February 6th, 2012

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Parenting Children With Self Confidence

“My child’s helpfulness makes my work more difficult.”

This blog contains parenting tips for parents of young children who like to help out, but don’t do a very good job of it.

 

This parenting problem can be summed up as: “My child’s helpfulness makes my work more difficult.”

 

In my own parent-child relationship, while I was attempting to unload the clean dishes from the dishwasher the other day, my confident toddler was happily trying to “help” by placing his shoes upon the empty dishwasher rack.

 

In his mind, he was contributing, not presenting me with a child discipline challenge.

 

To demonstrate positive parenting wisdom, I know that I need to be careful when something like this happens.

 

If I become too focused on the task of housework, I might overlook the task of effective, positive parenting.

 

There are no COST-FREE parenting solutions. There are consequences for every choice.

 

I want my son to feel self-confidence and self-worth.So I sometimes have to overlook his mistakes and focus on, and respond positively to, what he is getting right.

 

His urge to help is something I want to nurture, not stifle.  He was not displaying a child behavioral problem by attempting to contribute.  He was practicing doing chores.

 

I know my child needs to feel secure in my love, appreciation, and admiration – that that is crucial for his healthy emotional development.

 

That is why I said, “Thank you for being so helpful” as his contribution really only added to my housework drudgery.

 

I was careful to not remove his shoe from the clean dish-wrack to avoid causing him to feel wrong for what he did, because I feel confident that he actually did his very best, which is something I want to encourage.

 

As his understanding and skills improve through practice and experience, child development will make his best produce better results.

 

Of course I don’t feel like having to unload dirty sneakers from my dishwasher.  Of course I don’t appreciate my toddler creating more work for me.

 

But what I want even LESS is undermine my child’s to self-confidence, my child’s self-esteem, and his drive to contribute and to do his very best.

 

In this blog, please share examples from your own parent-child relationship of when your child’s effort to help made more work for you, and how you handled that.

 

Also share any questions you have about how to respond to child behavior challenges in ways that support the child development of improved self-conduct.

 

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The Wisdom of Charitable Parenting

By Bob Lancer
Tuesday, November 8th, 2011

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parenting tools for charitable parenting

Children need a certain measure of parental charitableness for the nurturing of their hearts and to inspire them to demonstrate their beautiful potential.

In conversations about parenting children, rarely do parents discuss the role of charity in parenting.

 

You might hear about a child’s accomplishments, about the trouble a child is getting into, about the need for discipline, but how often do you hear the word “charity” as it applies to parenting?

And yet, of all the parenting tips you might receive, there is none more important or valuable than why, how, and when to demonstrate CHARITABLE PARENTING.

Children need a certain measure of parental charitableness for the nurturing of their hearts and to inspire them to demonstrate their beautiful potential.

In the Wisie for kids wisdom video, ‘The Meaning of Charity’, children are taught how to be charitable, and why.  Here are two inspirational quotes from it:

  • “(Charity)… is seeing someone make a mistake and saying, ‘That’s okay’.

  • “Charity makes our world a kinder, happier place.”

Consider how this can translate into parenting tips:

  • Charitable parenting is seeing your child make a mistake and saying, “That’s okay.”

  • Charity makes OUR HOME a kinder, happier place.

A charitable approach to parenting also brings out the kind, generous attitude of charity in children through modeling.

Children do need us to establish boundaries and to express our displeasure… AT TIMES.

But they also need us to be tolerant, forgiving, and patient… to practice the spirit of charity in our parenting.

Children need to be treated with enough kindness to display enough kindness.  In what ways can you demonstrate more kindness or charity with your kids?

In what instances do honestly feel that you demonstrate too much harshness and not enough charity with your child?

In this blog, share any parenting tips, or questions, that you might have
regarding nurturing the child’s sacred heart.

All of us engaged in demanding work of parenting might benefit from viewing the Wisie video: “The Meaning of Charity”.

In any event, being more mindful of the role of kindness in parenting children can help to raise happier, kinder kids.

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Wisie Members: Please feel welcome to share your views in this blog regarding any of the Wisie videos, and to ask questions about how to make the most of them.

Child Development VS Punishment

By Bob Lancer
Thursday, October 20th, 2011

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Punishing a child does not produce higher child development.

Parents resort to punishment to “teach the child a lesson”, but punishing children really does not teach children anything, except to fear getting caught. It also teaches them to be punishing.

Punishment is educational only in the sense that it models punishing behavior. It really does NOT solve behavior problems. It actually worsens them.

child development with discipline

Punishment is educational only in the sense that it models punishing behavior. It really does NOT solve behavior problems. It actually worsens them.

You do not teach your child HOW to improve his behavior by punishing.
You make him feel badly about the way that YOU behave in reaction to his behavior.

Improving a child’s behavior is about child development.

Your aim is to DEVELOP a new behavior pattern.

To develop a new behavior pattern requires modeling that behavior pattern and then guiding the child in a step-by-step manner to demonstrate and practice it.

What are your thoughts about punishing children?

Have you actually found that punishing your child has ended one of his or her behavior problems?

In this blog, share your thoughts and questions about
punishing and alternative ways of improving child behavior.

Punishing does not teach a child to feel remorse over the behavior
that you are punishing him or her for.

The child regrets only the punisher’s behavior, because that is all that hurts.

To improve your child’s behavior, think about the behavior that you want and turn that into a goal.

Then model the behavior you want, and lead the child, step-by-step in the process of engaging in that behavior.

For instance, if your child speaks disrespectfully, and you want to change that, listen more closely to the tone of your voice and the attitude you express when speaking.

Model more conscious, respectful speech.

Then, when your child speaks disrespectfully, guide her step-by-step in expressing what she wants to say in a more respectful way.

There are many more things you can do for the child development process leading to improved behavior.

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Mental Child Discipline

By Bob Lancer
Saturday, October 8th, 2011

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Solving child behavior problems

Whenever you think of your child, practice deliberately thinking of her behaving wonderfully

When you think about child behavior problems, you are viewing a scene in your mind.

Notice how you feel when you think of your child behaving poorly.

You no doubt feel stress, probably some anxiety, maybe feelings of powerlessness, perhaps even feelings of animosity.

While thinking of your child behaving poorly, it is really NOT your child who is causing you to feel those unpleasant reactions.  It is your thinking.

One interesting aspect about the mind is that we automatically begin looking for whatever we imagine to be true.

So when you envision your child demonstrating behavior problems, whether you are thinking of the past or anticipating the future, you make it more likely that you will SEE your child behaving poorly, and that you will NOT notice how your child behaves well.

Advice for parents:

Think about how you would love your child to behave, and stop thinking
about the ways that your child behaves that you don’t like,
and you will see how much better your child behaves.

Whenever you think of your child, practice deliberately thinking of him behaving wonderfully.

Refuse to dwell on thoughts of your child behaving poorly.

Think about your child displaying the positive behaviors you want in place of any disturbing behaviors.

As you practice this consistently, you will realize that improving child discipline begins with improving the parent’s MENTAL discipline.

How often do you think of your child behaving in disturbing ways?

What child behaviors would you like to see
in place of those disturbing behaviors?

In this blog, share your thoughts and questions about the role of thinking as it relates to solving child behavior problems.

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The Parental Involvement Solution

By Bob Lancer
Friday, September 30th, 2011

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parenting children with involvement

The kind of involvement kids need from their parents is attentive and loving.

A sufficient measure of parental involvement is essential for a child’s development of a positive attitude and responsible behavior.

But not all forms of parent-child interaction produce desirable results.

Just being in the same room with a child while you pay only superficial attention to the child does not constitute constructive involvement.

Ignoring the child can cause the child to feel rejected, unimportant and sad.

This may cause the child to develop a passive, indifferent demeanor expressing a lack of motivation, self-respect and self-care.

Or it may incite the child’s rebellious, destructive behavior in retaliation.

Another form of parental involvement is reacting to the child’s behavior with a steady stream of impatience, annoyance and frustration.  This negativity emanating from the parent is absorbed by the child and forms or fosters the child’s negative reaction patterns.

Do you believe that you spend enough time with your child? If not, what seems to be preventing you from doing that.

What are some ways that you can make the time you spend with your child more valuable for both of you?

Share your thoughts and questions about this important aspect
of parenting your childin this blog.

The kind of involvement kids need from their parents is attentive and loving.  Child behavior problems are among the signs that a child needs more loving attentiveness.

If your child displays behavior problems, consider that the solution may NOT be firmer discipline tactics, but more attentive, loving parental involvement.

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Raising Appreciative Children

By Bob Lancer
Thursday, September 1st, 2011

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This blog presents advice for parents that relates to teaching children to appreciate their lives.

Children seem “hard-wired” for impatience. It is so common for a child to say, “I can’t wait for…”.

Instead of appreciating every sacred moment of childhood, the child wants to skip over his or her life so it can already be time to go to the circus or sleep over a friend’s house.

Advice for parents for teaching appreciation

Part of teaching children to appreciate their lives has to do with their possessions


Part of teaching children to appreciate their lives has to do with their possessions. Kids often want something new just because the see it on a shelf, but as soon as they have it, they could care less about.

I recall taking my son into a toy store once on a trip to New York City. He wanted a yoyo. He begged and begged for it. Finally I bought it for him. As we were walking out of the store he saw a pigeon, dropped the yoyo on the ground, and ran toward the pigeon. The yoyo ceased to matter the moment after it was his.

Does your child seem to feel a lack of appreciation for life or for his or her possessions? How do you typically deal with this?

Do you have ideas or advice for parents on how to teach their children to be more appreciative?

Share your thoughts and questions about teaching children
about appreciation in this blog.

Sometimes a lack of appreciation turns into children behavior problems. For instance when a child shows no gratitude for a gift he receives. In a more serious way, reckless teens show a lack of appreciation for life when they risk life and limb in foolhardy antics.

So here is the advice for parents for teaching appreciation: Regardless of how your child behaves, and even when you need to be firm, demonstrate your deep, sincere appreciation for your child’s sacred presence. This models appreciation in a profound way.

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Teaching Children Persistence

By Bob Lancer
Thursday, September 1st, 2011

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Parenting children

Help your child realize how patient persistence pays off

Teaching persistence is one of the most valuable life-lessons you can pass on as a parent. Children who learn about this great power early in life have a “ticket” to life-success.

There are many ways to impart this great lesson to children. But it is rarely learned by merely talking about it.

One aspect of persistence has to do with breaking down tasks into small, achievable steps for the child.

When your four year old struggles to tie her shoes, for instance, try to intervene BEFORE she becomes very frustrated. (Your timing is important because when a child is frustrated the child is really not teachable).

Then, help the child handle smaller steps. You might first have her hold her laces. Praise her for this. Then you might show her how to cross the laces. Praise her again for getting this. For learning, maintaining calm harmony between parent and children is essential.

Does your child become frustrated quickly?

How do you respond to his or her frustration?

Share your thoughts and questions about teaching persistence in this blog.

You can apply this “chunk-down” method to any task, including homework and school projects, to help your child realize how patient persistence pays off.

Here are two brief “mother poems” about imparting lessons from parent to children.

Parenting children for healthy child development

Help the child handle smaller steps

1.
“My love for you teaches you to love.
What I say is what you will speak of.
I know you learn from what I do
And so I strive to model the best for you.”

2.
“I want you to believe in YOU,
Because to learn and improve you MUST.
So I show appreciation for the best you can do.
And I’m careful not to criticize too much.”

Of course one of the best ways to teach persistence as a parent, for your children, is to model it in your ongoing effort to develop your parenting skills.

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How To Raise Our World

By Bob Lancer
Wednesday, August 24th, 2011

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Behavior problems stem from unhappy reactions

Hitting, yelling, reacting with anger toward kids, and then blaming that on the kids, is just one example of the negative relationship pattern between children and parents that have contributed to our civilization’s decline.

It’s time for a new approach to parental control.

It’s obvious that the old approach hasn’t worked.

The adult rulers of the world have harmed the planet. And those adults were raised in the old ways.

The air did not have to become polluted, nor the drinking water. The ancient growth forests did not have to be decimated.

Mass media did not have to decline into blathering blowhards generating fear and divisiveness for a fast buck.

Our politicians could have been honest, upstanding citizens really looking out for the public good instead of the apparent corporate shills they have by and large become.

We could have discarded the use of bloody war centuries ago.

Adults set an example for children of how NOT to care for our world.
And to not care for our world is to not care for ourselves!

The roots of our world’s descent into increasingly toxic conditions, toxic physically and psychologically, can be traced to the “old school approach” to parental control.

We commonly hear adults complaining about “today’s unruly children”. What do YOU believe is the cause of the problem with ADULTS today?

Do you agree that a partial cause of destructive adult behavior is the approach to parental control by their parents during their childhood?

What adult behavior problems have YOU displayed that you can trace back to your relationship with your parents?

Share your thoughts and questions about this this blog.

Hitting, yelling, reacting with anger toward kids, and then blaming that on the kids, is just one example of the negative relationship pattern between children and parents that have contributed to our civilization’s decline.

One essential change needed in our approach to parental control must involve parents taking responsibility for the painful, unhealthy, and unhappy ways that they react to their children.

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Raising Kids To Be Compassionate

By Bob Lancer
Thursday, August 18th, 2011

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parenting children quotes

To raise a compassionate child, be a compassionate parent

Here are four inspiring parenting children quotes for raising compassionate kids:

1. To raise a compassionate child, be a compassionate parent.

2. Any parent who believes himself to be perfectly compassionate is being dishonest with himself.

3. Honesty is a form of compassion because receiving dishonest treatment hurts.

4. To be honest with your children, you don’t have to tell them EVERYTHING, only what they NEED to know to feel genuinely bonded with you.

Do you have questions about how honest to be with children?

How can YOU grow more compassionate?

Share your thoughts and questions about this
important topic in this blog.

The above parenting quotes for kids related to the connection between your child’s compassion and your honesty. The following parenting children quotes examine the influence of other parenting behaviors on kind child development.

  1. Being harshly critical of children causes them to become emotionally numb, as a defense mechanism, which permits them to behave unkindly.
  2. A child who witnesses a parent being cruel or insensitive is led, by that negative example, away from compassionate self-expression.
  3. When a parent becomes so focused on her own agenda that she is tuned out from the needs for deep loving connection expressed by her young child, that child learns to DIS-connect from his own feelings, and from the feelings of others.
  4. When one child hurts another child, first respond the injured child’s need. Provide the love, support, and attentiveness that the injured child felt deprived of. This not only protects the compassionate hear to the hurt child, it also models loving care for the aggressive child.

Ponder the eight parenting children quotes presented here, and use them as a guide for raising a compassionate child.

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