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Forgiveness & Child Development

By Bob Lancer
Monday, June 6th, 2011

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Teaching children about the healing powers of forgiveness is an important aspect of child development.

Child development

Forgiveness is the foundation for positive child development

But it is also quite challenging.  Without realizing it, parents teach their children about withholding forgiveness when they carry and convey a resentful attitude toward them.

The Child Development Process
Is Not Always Positive.

Through our own, sometimes unconscious, patterns, we may develop negative traits and tendencies in our children.

The fact is that you cannot really improve your child’s behavior before you truly forgive your child for the misbehavior that you want to change.

Forgiveness Is The Basis For Supporting
Positive Child Development.

Holding onto resentment holds onto a form of toxic, unhealthy stress at a deep level, which compromises healthy organic functioning to some degree.  High blood pressure, migraine headaches and even heart problems can be linked to anger patterns.

As we learn how to dissolve our resentments, we also dissolve the barriers to optimum health that they induce.

Modeling Represents The Most Potent Way Of Influencing
Child Development And Child Behavior.

Parents automatically instill an unhealthy pattern in their children by holding onto resentment.

Forgiveness is our natural, healthy and healing state.  You don’t have to create forgiveness. You simply need to unblock it by releasing yourself from resentment.

As long as you feel resentment toward your child, your child lacks real trust in you, and then the child’s insecure emotional condition develops into problematic behavior.

As You Release Yourself From Resentment, You Release Positive
Child Development Through Healthy Modeling And Love.

When the child senses that your heart is clear, open and loving, a harmonizing influence enters and spreads throughout the child’s nervous system, promoting optimum organic health and healing.

Here is how to dissolve resentment for the sake of positive child development:

1.      Notice what you are thinking about when you feel resentment.

2.      The instant you notice the thought that keeps you feeling resentful, let that thought go by focusing your attention elsewhere

Releasing the healing powers of forgiveness for positive child development is a simple matter of releasing yourself from the resentful thinking that blocks love’s flow.

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Parenting Children Without Overwhelm

By Bob Lancer
Tuesday, May 17th, 2011

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Parenting children without overwhelm IS possible. Understanding the cause and cost of parenting children with overwhelm begins to set you free.

Parenting children

Parenting children without overwhelm IS possible

You are NOT overwhelmed by the typical daily demands of raising children.

Overwhelm is a state that you place yourself in by straining yourself to meet life’s demands.

Overwhelm Is Not Only Painful.
It Is Counter-Productive.

You enter overwhelm in parenting children by overtaxing yourself. An unbalanced mode of parenting is the real cause of parent fatigue, burn-out, and impatience.

When you feel overwhelmed you react from frustration, instead of responding from inspiration. This blocks your ability to recognize what your child really needs from you to behave well, to feel good, and to develop into his/her great potential.

Parenting Children Responsibly Does Not Demand Overwhelm.

It Demands That We Maintain Our Balance And Avoid
Slipping Into Modes Of Stress And Strain.

If you regard your child as the cause of your stress and strain, or blame your overwhelm on all the rest of your responsibilities, you blind yourself to your freedom, power and responsibility to improve the way that function.

The Measure Of Difficulty Of Parenting Children
Depends Upon How You Approach It.

Your feelings are signs that point you in the direction of healthy, balanced living.

If you hold onto the belief that being responsible means driving yourself so hard that you feel unhappy, frustrated, burned out, your belief, not your children or your responsibilities, prevents you from parenting children less stressfully.

To access your own best judgment, creativity and problem-solving ability, you need to feel basically calm, relaxed, well-rested, and inspired.

To free yourself of parenting children in a state of overwhelm:

  1. Pay more attention to how you feel throughout the day
  2. The instant you feel stress and strain setting in, stop trying to control the situation or your children. Ease up on yourself.
  3. Practice maintaining your unstrained composure as you fulfill your daily responsibilities.

As you apply these three simple steps consistently and persistently, you will enjoy parenting children with less and less overwhelm, and more and more love, joy, AND success.

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Achieve Parental Control

By Bob Lancer
Wednesday, March 2nd, 2011

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Parenting tip for achieving parental control

A power-struggle begins when your child displays the power to defy your direction.

To achieve parental control, one thing you need to know is how to end a power-struggle between you and your child.

A power-struggle begins when your child displays
the power to defy your direction.

The longer you engage in a power-struggle, the more energy you waste and the more your child learns how to lock you into a futile power-struggle.

As long as you continue using the same approach to win the struggle, you are actually perpetuating the struggle and experiencing a lack of parental control.

You will begin experiencing more parental control when you shift your focus from trying to control your child to controlling yourself.

Your child’s resistance seems to be causing the power-struggle, but it is also true that your behavior started the power-struggle and perpetuates it.

By focusing on what YOU are doing, you empower yourself
to change what you do for different results.

Move toward increasing parental control by first relaxing YOUR resistance.  Resistance starts with a feeling of inner tension, pressure, forcing and conflict.

As you relax, you stop wasting energy on contending for power.  This conserves your energy and brings you a welcome sense of relief.

As you relax, you help your child to relax.  As you let go of your effort to oppose your child, your child will be more inclined to leg go of his/her effort to oppose you.  The power-struggle is then transformed into peace.

From peace, you can move to the next level of parental control.

Consider what you want done and exercise your power to actually make it happen, without conflict.  This might mean:

  • taking the inappropriate object from your child’s hand rather than asking for it over and over.
  • shutting off the TV instead of repeatedly demanding your child to do it
  • simply letting your older child know that if he does not do his homework he will not be receiving his allowance.

You cannot always get a child to do as you want without a struggle, but you can
avoid wasting your power on a struggle and enjoy greater parental control.

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Parent Help For Child Meltdowns (1)

By Bob Lancer
Wednesday, February 23rd, 2011

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Child development is hampered by instability at home

The child feels frustrated by some form of instability at home, like parents not getting along

Understanding the many factors that may contribute to a child’s routine emotional

meltdowns may provide a concerned parent with the help needed for solving the problem:

  • A parent is slipping into deep states of depression or discouragement and coping poorly with that by engaging in destructive action or speech
  • The child feels frustrated by some form of instability at home, like parents not getting along, or parents discussing (or going through) separation or divorce.
  • The child routinely feels tired because she is staying up too late or not getting enough sleep (or the child is suffering from some other form of physical distress)
  • Children “melt down” (as adults often do) when they feel that they are not receiving the parent help they need when they use more calm forms of expression.  This can be the result of:
    • The parents paying insufficient attention to the child BEFORE she blows up or acts out
    • The parents responding defensively to the child’s attempts to communicate a need.
    • The parents over-relying on the child’s ability to verbally articulate her wants and needs – At least 75% of communication is NON-verbal, and to receive that message you have to observe facial expressions, physical behavior, gestures, voice tones, etc.
    • The parents interrupt and talk over the child when she is trying to express herself verbally.
  • The parents routinely express an attitude of “I am right and you are wrong” rather than expressing, “I hear and understand you and will do my best to give you the parent help you need for happiness AND responsibility”.
  • Someone in the household is modeling emotional explosiveness and blaming it on someone else.  (Usually the parent explodes in response to the child and blames the child for the anger, resentment, impatience, frustration and outburst.)

Part 2 of Parent Help For Child Emotional Meltdowns will be posted in the next parenting blog entry.

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Children’s Feelings And Behavior Problems

By Bob Lancer
Wednesday, February 16th, 2011

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Child behavior problems don’t just happen. They can always be attributed to causes.

What we label “behavior problems” are behaviors that lead the child into difficulty, and/or which we simply find it difficult to deal with.

The “difficult” infant may be trying to us simply because we find the natural, instinctive ways of an infant hard for us to handle.

How we respond to a child’s behavior influences the child’s future behavior

Our lack of patience, understanding, and child-relationship skills may be the cause

We can create behavior problems by misreading what the child actually needs from us to develop more caring, orderly, responsible behavior.

How we respond to a child’s behavior influences
the child’s future behavior.

One way to avoid creating behavior problems or making them worse is to practice reading your child’s feelings.  This requires observing the child calmly and perceptively to sense the emotion expressing through the child’s face, gestures, movements, sounds and words.

If you repeatedly, harshly hurt a child’s feelings, deepening the child’s sadness and distrust in you, the child is bound to demonstrate increasingly challenging behavior problems. From the standpoint of child behavior, it doesn’t matter if you do this unintentionally.

For children to behave well they need
to feel basically secure.

One common cause of overlooking a child’s feelings is over-relying on words to understand the child.  Even with the most verbally skillful adults, 75% of communication occurs on a non-verbal level.  To adequately relate with anyone we need to look and listen for the non-verbal cues of the individual’s present emotional condition.

Another cause of overlooking a child’s feelings has to do with our automatic reactions to the child’s behavior.

Automatic reactions miss the signs that
convey what the child needs.

When a child defies our direction, does the opposite of what she knows we expect, creates a mess or confronts us with any other challenge, to avoid causing more severe behavior problems, we need to base our response on how the child is feeling.

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Child Discipline Alternative To Saying “No”

By Bob Lancer
Wednesday, February 9th, 2011

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Frustration and child discipline do not mix well

For easier child discipline, try telling your child HOW or WHEN she CAN do what she wants, instead of bluntly clashing against her will.

When it comes to child discipline, “no” does not always seem to work.

One reason for this is the natural, human tendency to go into denial.  When your child wants to do something, and you say “no”, a part of him that does not want to hear that, causing him to, perhaps unconsciously, pretend you did not say it.

But even when you have your child’s full attention, the word “no” may still not work well for you.  One reason for this is that it simply presents opposition, which will likely frustrate your child, and frustration and child discipline do not mix well.

One effective child discipline alternative to saying “no” is to redirect instead of merely to block.

Rather then simply saying “no” let your child know
what he CAN do instead.

For instance, if your child asks for a cookie, you might say, “You can have a cookie after you eat all of your lunch later.”

If your child wants to play outside, but it’s too dark out for you to allow it, instead of saying “no” you might say, “You can play outside only when it is light enough to be safe.”

If your child snatches something from her younger sister, instead of simply barking out, “no!” you might say, “You can play with that when she is done.”

By letting your child know what he CAN do, you diminish his natural resistance to opposition.

While it requires a bit more patience and self-control to replace your automatic “no” with a reasonable, positive response, it saves you the strain of a power-struggle.  It also helps your child to remain more calm and rational because children feel how we feel while we are with them.

For easier child discipline, try telling your child HOW or WHEN she CAN
do what she wants, instead of bluntly clashing against her will.

Receive your FREE Parenting Advice through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

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